I DO NOT TRUST.

You are walking alone late at night, probably from the library or from a friend’s who may have not seen the need to give you a push. Earphones on and deeply engrossed in thoughts; you have a good thing going and you are savoring the moment. Out of nowhere someone taps you. First reaction, you freak, your heart beats and you want to yell but eventually you turn; study him for what seems like an eternity, and then you smile, giving no indication of your fear. You’ll be damned if you looked scared. And he will be like;

‘A lady should not be walking alone at this time of the night’ he says coyly.

You look at him searchingly, you can’t see much, it’s dark, but he looks calm and poised, there is a dignity about him, a quiet aloofness. There is a fat chance he could get you there safe and you could jump at this opportunity and follow him meekly, there could also be room for a quick enlightening conversation; a powerful conversation with him, sure! But naturally, you think the outcome could be different. It is not a service you could use. Also, there is no way this ends well for anyone. As I said you just never know with these people. It takes you longer than necessary but you finally say;

‘Thanks for the concern but am good.’

You will increase your pace and get ahead of him. Apparently he had watched you get out of the library or from wherever and he was concerned for your safety. If for no other reason, it looked odd; he felt the need to protect so he wanted to be the gentleman. However, recent tragedies; rapists, pedophiles and even murderers have been quite insightful on that and have shed light on not being too trusting. Given these facts we choose to look the other way and run. It could be lame and he could have been unfairly judged mainly because he happened to be a dude, but then, better safe than sorry.

Also, there were those times you had heavy luggage, it was clear that the shit weighed you down. You could use all the help you can get and so you wondered silently where all the gentlemen were; coincidentally this person walks to you and offers to help you. You are pleasantly surprised, it’s such a delight to know there are good people, but then he is a stranger, you don’t take help from strangers on the streets, why? Your mama taught you that strangers are not to be trusted, why? It is what it is. Common knowledge. You may as well have given them a gun and told them to splash your brains out.

You tell him you are okay, he doesn’t believe you, but then he doesn’t know you either, so it’s not his place to argue, he walks away. He looked harmless though, like he wouldn’t even hurt a fly. It is entirely possible he is an angel and our lives would be more colorful and fabulous with such people in them. But he could be the devil. The devil is beautiful. Believe. A good gesture it was nonetheless.

And that reminds you of your first day in school, just because you are a chick, you looked like you needed help. You were constantly entertained and intrigued by the number of people who offered it. Some of course had their own agendas, sadly for them you were old enough and you understood things. Some told you to go their rooms to get handouts, never mind exams were to be in four months’ time and it’s not like you couldn’t afford to get them yourself.
Wow. Just when you thought they couldn’t set the bar any lower.

Like how stupid do I look like to you?

Why on earth would I need handouts on the first day of school, no really, why? I am sure he is not so concerned about your grades that he’d rather die than see you fail, and for the sake of argument, let’s pretend he is honestly concerned, why would it have to be his room?

See, that’s the thing now, we may want to trust but we are simply paranoid, you aren’t allowed to stare at kids that aren’t your own, there is no place for you to touch and play with their tiny hands. That is simply creepy. I mean, if it was my baby and you were looking at it and smiling hideously at it in the name of making it laugh I’d be like, ‘what are you looking at? Get your hands off my kid boo…’ let it be, let it frown till It bursts but don’t make all those funny faces to it, just mind your own business and concentrate on where you are headed.

It is not possible to think of times when we were one big happy community. You can’t even afford to help an old lady; it once used to be kind, now it’s foolish. They could be the dangerous ones, you don’t want to help lost kids in town, let them find their way; for all we know they could be leading you into a trap, it’s happened many times, people use kids and old ladies mostly. Being kind is now weakness, you don’t have the luxury of wading into emotions and doing the right thing. It will cost you dearly.

It is appalling what we have become, but these, in fact, are just ways to look out for ourselves. This is Kenya my dear, you just don’t trust left right and center, you don’t need evidence to know danger; intuition is enough. Not every stranger you meet subscribes to this society label but then there is no way to tell the difference.

But if you still insist, there is only one way to find out; trust them.

WELCOME HOME MR PRESIDENT

Everything put aside, this should be like the top priority in everyone’s list. Forget that rent you haven’t paid again, for the third month counting, forget the project that is due Monday, forget this has nothing to do with you in whatever way; like zero, but if the excitement hasn’t won you over yet, it just might today or tomorrow.

It should be blatantly obvious that this is about the most interesting thing that has happened to Kenya for a long time now so being the ordinary Kenyan who does not have any particular stake in this Obama business let me hope funny things are said on the internet regarding this, you know, the only place we can all be self righteous, judgmental and anonymous without ruining the fun, so we should get to renting;

We need to get this off our chest in case we do not get satisfied by the visit or whatever happens during it, so here is to creating all the funny memes and all the creative things on twitter. It is almost like our entire creative process revolves around ‘how should we turn this around so that we also in our own little way make ourselves part of this big thing?’ If there was ever a time to show our crazy now would be a perfect time.

In all seriousness though, it’s not every day that we get visited by the president of the United States, we are waiting as a people, and we don’t give a damn whether he knows us personally or not, it doesn’t even matter. We are way over the moon.

We have already successfully managed to forget the fact that we have been neglected time and time again, for political reasons or not, still. This is one of those amazing things that have always managed to confuse me immensely. One minute we are so bitter at the fact and then lo and behold, the next we are kissing peoples ass like some kind of god. The last time he was here, my understanding on many things at that age was limited but I still remember there was an uproar after post election as to why he hadn’t visited or done anything to the country, right?

Personally for as much as I would like to dash into all this anticipation, I still feel like there is a part of the puzzle missing and it still doesn’t sit right with me yet. Like why would he visit just before he gets elected and then just almost after his term is finished? Am inclined to believe there is something there. Maybe I am a bigot and could care less about political strategies –or is it save the best for last strategy that is being used? If so well played, I have to hand it to him. But I still don’t get how people are overly comfortable with this whole thing. I don’t.

I have debated if I like this or not but after a lot of back and forth I’ve decided after all its not going to affect me individually in anyway, like how exactly will it impact me as a person?

***
This is so much like when we were anticipating visitors growing up, then and only then was it acceptable to use the special glasses and plates, it was the only time you would come as close as using serviettes as you could, heck. You would make the house sparkling clean and wait for the visitor, but mostly the goodies they would bring, that was the time you saw food that you only see on hotels menus being cooked at home.
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There is always something disappointing about powerful people visiting. Back in Kenya high school, there was a time the then president was to be the guest of honor of a hundred years celebration event, everything was done to perfection, places you never thought could get cleaned were, people practiced dances for weeks on end to perfection only to end up performing for like 3 minutes, as I noted, he wasn’t really paying so much attention and he hardly even noticed the changes around anyway. So much for the effort.

People are always trying to please you but then if you have power you hardly ever notice, at least not in the way they’d want you to.

**

So now Nairobi is all ready for you, all the way ready, we wouldn’t want to sell ourselves short. We are a third world country, which means we don’t have much going on for us money wise, we know it, you know it, hell, the whole damn world knows it, but we will still want to come off as a people of refined taste. We will still insist on the roads being restructured and maintained well just to look good…not necessarily for us but specifically for you, after you’ve used them and gone, we can forget about them until the next time another president comes….we will probably allocate more money in your limited time visit than we would to actually deal with real issues …I guess that comes with having power, which I clearly know nothing about, I mean if Kenyans actually washed roads for their supposed prophet a while back you can only imagine the lengths they are willing to go for you, sir.
*
They demand/ request that you visit UON lest they urinate on a tree you planted back then…
As if you feed off of that tree, as if you even remember you had put it there in the first place, oh, please remind these people you have done a lot with yourself, a tree is nothing. That isn’t even the best part, others will commit suicide if you fail to do the same, yes, like those stories of when a boy dumps his chic and she hangs herself leaving a note written:
‘I just couldn’t live without you, am sorry, I love you, now and forever, goodbye.’
One like that except am wondering what the note will be written and whether or not you will stick around long enough for the sole purpose of attending their funerals so you can mourn their short lived lives and even feel guilty;

Isn’t this one of those things you hear and you just want to clench your teeth till they become dust? Seriously. It would be something else if those sentiments came from some village, it would make so much sense we would even send psychiatrists over there, but campus students? With brains and all, nah, we wish them nothing but a quick death; as a matter of fact if you asked me stupidity should have killed them already.

Does this remind you of that time some guy killed himself because his favorite team had been defeated? Did they create a statue in memory of him? Did they even know he existed? So why should that even be a threat to us…go ahead fellows and while at it let all the credit go to your leader who may have or not incited this idea in you but I hope your bodies actually house human brains that can actually think clearly on their own.
**
In other news, people don’t want you talking about homosexuality, like talk about the economy, the weather, hell, even come all the way and talk about dogs you left back home but don’t even as much as say a statement …woe unto us if you do, because they will take to the streets, as naked as the day they were born, grown men and women, naked. I mean, isn’t this the kind of news that makes you cringe and wonder where humanity is headed? All you have to do is say the word and we will brace ourselves for a disaster waiting to happen.
*
Also, there are 19 students who were expelled for allegedly being gay; they are requesting that you take them with you…that way, they will feel more accepted and the whole problem will be almost solved.
Yes, that up there is a quick update of what we’ve been up to, of how far we have come as a country, all moments have been leading to this…

*
Forget the limited time you have, we expect you to visit as any places as possible, otherwise we will go rant on social media how you did not give us enough attention as a country, we would want you to address the terror attacks yes, but we would like it even more if you took selfies too, you know, so we have something to show off, I mean, not everyone has the privilege of taking sefies with you, we need other people drooling and we need that fleeting moment of fame…it would be our time too if we had the chance, but our leaders wouldn’t let anyone steal their spotlight. They will be damned if anyone did. Either way what are the odds that you will interact with common Kenyans? Pretty low I guess.

If you don’t do that we will complain, just like we did with Lupita, we felt like she did not have enough time with Kenyans and this rubbed some people the wrong way. Everything celebrities do or don’t do is personal to them.
Meanwhile, am marveling at how everything seems to come to a standstill in preparation of Friday. It’s refreshing how we intend to stand out, so we trying hard to look the part. This visit of yours will give as an added oomph and in many ways help us…and don’t you just think of all things it’s a coincidence that he is Luo, leave it to them to exaggerate everything regarding class so if you will happen to go there, believe me it won’t be disappointing.

While the rest of the country embarks on the preparation, let me sit tight and watch seeing that none of this really affects me; as an economic student I am hopeful I will actually learn a thing or two from the summit or the visit.

Lets savor the moment though, enjoy it while it lasts, even if it’s a few hours; it could be the last time we ever get a black president from united states to visit us or it may go back to having white ones or hopefully Ben Carson will take home the title and we will do this all over again, you know, claiming this is his motherland and all..

That said, welcome home Mr. president, it will be a blessing in disguise to this country of ours.

This too shall pass…

As sure as death is, no one really gives it a second thought until it happens. No one walks around paranoid thinking that any second now they could succumb to it. It is not until one random morning you wake up and get news that someone you know has passed on. It overwhelms you; you get thoroughly puzzled to say the least and it dampens your spirit.

**
Oh no she did not!! You seethe with anger. The anger goes notches higher because you cannot fathom how someone so full of life can die. I mean, isn’t there supposed to be a certain age where such things should happen? A certain time when everyone is ready ad even you can see it coming so you prepare? Seriously?
We mourn as friends, write on their timelines, say what they did to us, how soon they have gone and how unfair life really is, we talk about things we did together, how much they shall be missed, they were part of the gang, how it will never be the same again, there will always be that ka-empty space, we talk about things we did together, places we hanged and people we hated together.

*
Some will get shocked, they will resolve to change their lives; life is short-this fact will slap you right on your face. This will remind us how unexpected death really is, and so we will write how we should truly live a day at a time, others/me will write a post about it. Time will fly and after a while we forget; we shall forget we said we would seize the moments, we shall forget we said we would pray always, we shall forget how brutal death really is and we shall get comfortable. We shall find new friends and create new memories and in the end we shall move on.


But a mother never forgets, she never really moves on, she is left with the aftermath of the death.
She never moves on because it was her job to worry about you; she would wake up at 3am to pray for her entire family everyday. It was her job to call you every ticking minute to ensure your safety.

*
Right from the time you are born, a mother will dream and wish only the best for you, she will dream of you growing into a teenager and then gracefully into a woman. She will want to see you flourish in your career and then to be there for your wedding, she will want grandchildren. She will also brace herself for those times you go rogue, when being a teenager takes its toil on you and you become a constant head ache. She will still love you regardless because at least you are there.

*
She will want to grow old and die much later on with you by her side.


It should never be the other way round; parents should not be the ones burying their own children. Life should never be like this, it should just never be like this.

*
It is a dream cut short, there will always be a void, that empty chair where you used to sit at the dining table and your photo on the family portrait will always be there to remind of what was lost. Her life will never be the same again, she will curse, some days she will wake up with a lot of anger, she will cry more often than she will let on and that would probably be the rest of her life. A heart break will kill her slowly in the inside; she will get paranoid and even more worried about the rest of her kids.

**
This will be long after the condolence messages have stopped streaming in, long after people have stopped visiting, after your friends move on and probably forget about you. It will be long after #147isnotjustanumber stops trending and everyone will have forgotten about the massacre of innocent students. Long after Kenyans have forgotten #weareone. It will make them sad occasionally but the sadness will fade.

*
She will still mourn, she may look strong but she will still break down when she talks about you years later. She will still feel the pain to be fresh like someone has just told her you have died that moment. She will put a good front and put her emotions under check with everyone else. But it will weigh her down every single day. It will still be surreal and heartfelt.

*
And so I pray for strength that comes from God to be with your family. May he comfort them in this time of sorrow and may he favor them always.

**
It sucks that you are gone, it sucks that it only seemed like yesterday when we were in high school and we talked about the future that never happened.

*
It sucks that your photos will circulate and videos will be made to honor you that you shall never see, it sucks that people will tell you how much they loved you but you shall never know. It sucks that the intensity of the pain of losing you will be heightened by the fact that you were so young, so beautiful and a motivation to many.

**
But we shall find solace in the fact that God will receive you and that we shall meet again.

PAIN

You thought it was forgotten, denied that it had even existed in the first place, you had a feeling something was eating away at you but you didn’t give it much thought, normally you are just fine living in denial, you never really faced anything, so you never got to the acceptance part, you were afraid;, afraid the pain would have shredded you into pieces, torn your soul and stripped you of all the strength you so much thought you possessed, so you faced it the way a real man would face it, you ignored it.

People mentioned it occasionally, they said time and time again you looked off, you had cut weight and looked emaciated and sad, but how exactly do sad people look like? Do they have a specific face that screams sadness or do they just look like someone is beating the shit out of their existence? As expected, you buried it deep, wrote a thing or two in some lousy book and burnt it, you convinced yourself that chapter of your life was over and done with.

That was a year or two ago, time just flew, life kept happening and you had to keep moving too…doing the same thing you do day in day out and trying to get your mind off of things. A man’s got to do what he has to do not to look weak, be weak yes, but don’t show it, you do not have the luxury of being vulnerable. You found distractions; alcohol, friends, sports, work and school, everything else is fine, excellent even.

Except for the unanswered questions, the logic that did not make sense to you but did to everyone; except for the days that never happened, the smiles that almost showed but faded as fast, the random tears that were never accounted for, never seen…the many times you got lost in thought; a lot of thought about life, about how screwed life was, how oblivious people were and how no one seemed to see past your forced laughter.

Except for those many times darkness was your sole comfort and you very much enjoyed it, except for those times you wrote and wrote…

Those many days you were afraid you’d go back to that dark place but you fought it so hard to ensure that never happened, those days the sun stood still for you, those days the hours dragged and you felt that that moment would freeze, those many times you were so sure you were never going to get through it but somehow you made peace with the fact.

You suddenly realize you were not happy then despite what you made yourself believe; you realize not even a million dollar will ever convince you to re-live that nightmare, you realize you were too busy doing everything regardless of how relevant it was to your life, life must have sucked then for you but it is way better for you now, you know now life can be much better than it was then.
Because you may have been in that pain, you may have suffered depression without even knowing.

It made you stronger, it made you a better human, you grew, you flourished and it pushed you to concentrate more on building yourself, it pushed you into doing things you could never imagine doing, it forced you to go out of your way, to network more, your career suddenly become more interesting than your personal life or you even build an empire and you are now watching it and smiling and are glad that the particular phase occurred because if not you may have never done quarter of what you have done now…
It is what pain does to a person; it brings out the best part of you and the ugly as well.

THE LGBT COMMUNITY

LGTB (lesbians, gays, transgender, bisexual) community. It is one thing that has been brought to light recently and has been making headlines for quite a while. The world is beginning to embrace this community; people are beginning to be more liberal and warming up to these kind of people. Nowadays watch any series; orange, how to get away with murder, empire, scandal, you name it, there is someone gay or lesbian in them and most of them are nice characters you will fall in love with them, why?


They are trying to sell that to as many people as possible, they are trying to make us think that this is as natural as it could possible get. It is a culture Hollywood is trying to preach and sell, that there is nothing as normal as being gay, there is nothing as natural as changing your sex because it’s no big deal and once it has happened people will move on. More and more people are coming out especially public figures to either claim they are homosexuals or to show their support for these people.

***
The most recent that had everyone including the media talking was the Bruce Jenner situation. Thing is, I have watched this guy for a long time now and out of his whole entire family I thought he was the sober one, he was so sporty and always put up a good front and no one saw this coming in a thousand years, when I first heard the news that he wanted to transform, the thing looked almost comic all together, and then I thought it was a stunt he was trying to pull to get more ratings seeing that he was now divorced and to be honest he was getting a little irrelevant.

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I judged him, true to the human I am, up until I watched his special on E, I couldn’t fathom the whole damn thing, in these two episodes he was there telling his story, how he has struggled to find happiness for so many years, he claims that this is not a new thing, he has been thinking it since the 1980’s, and then he says it was too hard coming out so he found a distraction; sports. And for a long time he was so active he won several medals but there was still something missing in him, for a moment there I cried because it was emotional, I felt like I was walking in his shoes and I was trying to find a place in this world, I felt for the family, especially the wife, how it would feel if your husband walked in one day and said that he was done being a man and he would be happier being a woman, it would be ground breaking, I felt for the kids; I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, I felt it was a selfish decision, but sometimes you have to be selfish to be happy, right? and then I remembered there are two sides of the story, and that I am a Christian, I am inclined to certain believes that simply say In black and white anything like this is wrong, there is just no in between about this.
He then says it could be a good thing, he could make an impact in this world and make so many others come out of the closet; true to his word, within four hours of announcing this he had earned himself 4 million followers on twitter. He was also offered a position as miss pageant judge afterwards and was also on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine.

*
Yes, that happened people.

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Try doing something very noble like saving a million hungry kids from dying and see if that makes you half as popular as this guy, I have no idea if this 4m people were so impressed by his antics that they too wanted to do the same thing or they were just curious why after a man has lived for 65 years, has kids and grandchildren and has been married to a wonderful woman for many years would suddenly realize that he is not happy and do the most unexpected thing ever, you cannot even call it mid-life crisis.

And my question is, is someone born so unhappy because of who they are that they feel the need to play God? They will say they are born biologically male but deep down they are female, they will say they were born in the wrong body and that God intended otherwise. They will twist the bible and interpret it in whatever manner suits them best. I read an article somewhere of someone saying that David and Jonathan were gay and Ruth and Naomi were lesbians in the bible, so homosexuality in the bible is allowed, and these people can convince you if they want to, and if you are not too much into reading the bible you will believe it.


On the flip side, this is one of those things that makes you stand in awe of science, how they can almost do a perfect job at something, after the plastic surgery, Caitlyn Jenner looked prettier than most people who have been female all their life; money fixes everything, even happiness apparently.

BRUCE JEENNNER
This however is not the case in Africa;
We may have many problems as a continent but this is not a third world problem-yet- we are too busy worrying about what to put on the table, how to take our kids to school, what to wear; you know, very basic problems, we do not have time to worry about if we are happy being the sex we are or not, or if we are, we would not even be able to afford the surgery, most of us. You learn to accept who you are and if you do not, then too bad, just cry it off at night and the next morning life moves on, if you are seen crying especially if you are a man you will be told to get some balls. Problems like bipolar are also not very common, or maybe they are, but we know how to suppress them.

**
However, people still have a long way to go, the punishments homosexuals used to face were too cruel; people are too bigoted and no amount of rationality will cut it; some of the punishment against gays included, hanging, stoning, decapitation, imprisonment, flogging and improper burial. You face discrimination about everywhere you go, church, job even your own family disowns you, physical attacks/extortion/blackmail/detention when you defy the norms, In Africa and Middle East, most countries found homosexuality punishable by death; in others you are sentenced up to a period of 10 years, and others are even sentenced to life imprisonment. Yes, I was shocked too to learn that actually happens because we are way too deep rooted in our culture, we are too much into not letting the western culture not influence us and that is a good thing but sometimes we go too far. In Uganda for example, it was banned and that saw the country losing its financial aid due to Anti-gay bill.

stoning-causes-of-death-photo-u2
Activists are fighting so hard for homosexuals rights because no human being deserves to be sentenced to death because of what they want to do and who they choose to love, it’s a moral wrong yes but honestly to some extent I think that they should be left the hell alone to do whatever they want to do because at the end of the day they harm no one, at the end of the day they are still good citizens of a country; yes, prohibiting is allowed but when you go ahead and try to kill them then there is no difference between you and them. You are not on your way to heaven either.
It is so bad that they got buried alive a while back, some people even suggested that gay people should be burned in ovens to death. Okay. They may sometimes not share the same believes as you do, they may sometimes interpret the bible differently than you, so why exactly do they have to be killed though, why would one intentionally end another life out of spite, even Jesus would never do that, he once said he who has not sinned let him be the first to throw a stone, judge them if you must but it is another story to bury someone alive, that is just cruel and obnoxious.
Homophobic or not, is it fair that people should be treated the way they are? Is it even acceptable? At what point do we draw the line? If you feel so bad about it then preach to them, if they still believe in whatever they believe in then too bad…

ELEVENTH; JOYS OF BABY BROTHERS.

Every family wants a balance; In gender at least, if it were not for the fact that we are Africans and we have a reputation of getting many kids, most of us would preferably just have two kids, a girl and a boy, no a boy and then a girl so that the boy can protect the girl always. I wanted a big brother too, didn’t happen, but I got something even better instead, a small brother. Three kids down then a boy was born Most people I know after having both sexes will stop there and some will just have to make do with whatever they have.
My father walked in the house one evening, he had this priceless smile, the happiest I had ever seen him, he told us my mother had delivered a baby boy, I was stunned into silence, I had barely even noticed my mum was pregnant to start with, he was exhilarated with joy, I remember fondly. He said the little kid had two teeth already, I believed him. I was just ten so everything he said was pretty much the gospel truth. There was just something refreshing about having a new member in the family, fascination can’t even explain it enough. Would he look like my dad /my sisters/me or my mum, would he behave like any of us? I had gazillion questions in my mind. As expected the next day we went to hospital, you can imagine my surprise when I saw a kid who was literally yellow, I mean, yes my parents are light and so is everyone else in my family, but this, this is even better, he had a lot of hair too, up until his forehead. I barely held him, gave him away as fast as he was given to me, I thought he was too vulnerable, maybe I could hold his hand and accidentally squeeze him and he would start crying or my hands would suddenly be slippery and then I would drop him, so wanting to enjoy the moment I preferred to watch him being carried by people with skill in that particular area, my mum.

That was exactly eleven years ago, man, how time flies!!!

He grew up to be the best thing that ever happened to that family, he is intelligent and a very good listener, I know this because I confide in him one too many times mainly because he gives very sound advice, take it or leave it and also because, really? Who’d he tell anyway, his English teacher?

Of course siblings fight, a lot, you get so mad at each other and you say things, throw things or for people like me you just give silent treatment until you remember you are supposed to be the grown up, the mature one, the one who is older by ten years so you call a truce. I remember all of us being in boarding and when we closed, the one who brought him the most snacks would be his best friend, he would befriend you and suck up to you, obey everything you told him only until you got broke and ran out of intriguing stories to tell him, and after that he will no longer even pretend to be amused by your antics no more, you’d be part of his past he would then move on the next sister who’d bring something to the table and add value to him. That’s what all kids do at some point, right?
They will always be there to disturb. sometimes you just want to be alone, be lost in oblivion and not wish for anyone, not even a sound of music to interrupt you,, let this not be mistaken for mood swinging, I could argue this a thousand ways, and then your little brother jumps to you, you feel interrupted but they still insist with all these stories from school and how sijui which kid sneaked in snacks to school and how who had a mini crush on who; I call them mini because really, who even knows where their primary crushes went to let alone remember their second name, you just remember vaguely some light short boy who used to be the first to cry when the teacher threatened to cane him, but then he had a cute adorable smile, he had eyes too, the sort of eyes that girls reputedly die for, he also brought the most snacks to school, oh boy, gold digging didn’t start the other day. Just when you thought there was something new under the sun huh? then he insists you listen to him, you laugh at anything he deems funny, even if it’s not, normally it wouldn’t be hard faking to listen, I mean we all do it in class, the occasional nodding of the head when the lecturer says anything yet your mind is somewhere in IMAX watching a movie and the lecturer looks at you impressed, you must be one of the good ones he thinks…if only he knew how you have perfected the art, but with kids it is hard.

They don’t ever get why you go quiet, even when you have a totally valid reason for being hurt/pissed/upset, especially then, you could be in the middle of a family argument and tension is high, but they don’t give a damn, just talk for Pete’s sake.

This kids will always ask questions in the middle of statements to gauge how keen you are. You will say yes to a load of questions you didn’t listen to in the first place and this is how you will be trapped, it could be he has told you to give him money and in you just accepted without even realizing it. In case you have never dealt with kids here is the thing, kids never forget debts, they just never do, they’d rather forget curfew, screw curfew, but a debt my friend, you will pay it, and they have a way with tears until you give in and they can whine and nag better than a grown woman.

Now it’s been said before but it bears repeating my friend, kids are cruel, too bad if you don’t have a friendly face, they will always cry when you hold them like they can’t get over the fact that their own mother has handed them over to a monster to be slaughtered or something. They are twisted.

Mine I think mentioned he wants to be a rocket scientist, something to do with aerospace engineering, he wants to travel to Mars someday, this is for real, dreams!!, keeps you growing, makes you work hard so you go to a nice high school and a nice campus and then shoot, off they go with the wind!!! I hope his remain.

He is always too inquisitive, too curious, has a million and one questions. He especially likes geography, I loved geography too, I aced that paper back then and scored me an A; problem is, as soon as I realized I was never having a career in geography and I was done proving a point to K.N.E.C. I formatted right about everything, I can only remember something about glaciation, it had something to do with ice melting god knows where and forming other features that we were supposed to learn too, I remember features in the desert too, I don’t know when I will ever be in a desert and those apply to me in any way, and then there was map work!! No kidding, that was a lullaby, aty drawing cross sections using I think a thread or a piece of paper to make measurements. I remember either dozing off or me and my desk mate just switching to more interesting topics like you know, how Meru is beautiful, not exactly the most interesting topic but when it comes to map work anything that was not it was interesting, why Meru yet we could talk about shoes? Well because Meru was the area we were studying so we had to keep it relevant you know, just in case the lecturer pointed at you and you were caught off guard you’d say something spectacular about that area and you wouldn’t seem so off, just a little.
Oh so my brother would see a rock or a stone, and start asking questions about them; their names and if it was a comet that fell and left behind those stones. Okay. I don’t exactly know but I am not totally blank because i remember they were somewhere in geography but then I remember nothing, zero details. You cannot even speculate or anything, you need evidence, sweetie, not just intuition and so you just keep quiet. You hear the sound of your incompetence being made obvious to a little boy, and for the life of them they don’t get how you are in campus and still blank at anything, anything at all, they expect every question whether physics or chemistry or biology that they ask, you will have the answer on your fingertips, woe unto you who gets the first question right or act like you know because another and another will keep coming, they will never stop and you do not want to lie to a kid because whatever you tell them is the gospel truth, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. The best thing is avoid them, or pretend to be busy and then ask google later and give him feedback, accurate feedback, make it as brief as possible or it will end up being another embarrassing moment for you.
You may be a girl yes, like me, too much that except for the fact that you want to drive a white classy car someday you have no idea about the car or the engine, so you are willing to trust the guy selling it to you that he has indeed given you a functioning car, one that will get you from home to work and back; you don’t care much for speed or whatever it is men spend so much time scrutinizing a car for, can we just not exaggerate and buy the car already? Thanks.

If you have a small brother like mine it is inevitable; you will know a lot about cars by force, especially when you’re traveling and he keeps pointing at different models of cars; told you he is a bright one this one. Not only will you be made to have NFS and GTA (a game men of ALL age play) in your laptop but you will also be forced to play, not as an amateur but as a pro and weirdly enough you’ll begin to enjoy them. And then there is soccer, I am a Man-U fan; he loves Chelsea, the team that won the premier league, you should have seen his face explode with happiness, personally am not that attached I just know arsenal won the FA cup. If you ask me I don’t know the different between the two, can’t one just win the whole damn thing and we move on? These many titles are confusing me now.

And then you may not be into action but you will watch fast and furious a hundred and one times and you will be explained to how amazing those cars are and soon you will start seeing beyond colors and start knowing which cars are actually faster than others, you will start looking for Wi-Fi in school so you download documentaries about cars and men will think you’re cool but that is so far from it.

Boys.

These people also know right about everything, I once went to a friend’s home, there was music, Busta Rhymes rapping so fast to some song and the small brother was raping along to every single word, Eminem’s too and I was like you are in boarding school, you just closed, I look at him in an amused expression and then switched into full-tilt sarcasm; so when exactly did you cram all that, and then he could tell you what happens in every episode of originals, even the one that chucked a week ago never mind he’s been home for only two nights, dude were we like this growing up ? What generation is this we are in?

It’s a compromise though, I love his stuff, he loves my stuff, we will follow a whole season of top chef and feel bad together if our guy does not win, we will watch American next top model together and project runway, see, it’s called having a small brother.

So to the one I taught how to play chess and within a week he was already too good, even for me ;the one who always beats me at poker hands down, and to the guy who makes me laugh and know boys stuff;

Happy eleventh birthday Wiltord, grow to be a man and to celebrate more birthdays 😉

You are truly loved and cherished.

OF SELF LOVE

Self-love is the regard for one’s own well-being and happiness.
It doesn’t necessarily mean or scream bubble baths, pedicures, manicures and cucumber masks. Forget the definition; if you ask me self-love is equal to happiness. Doing that which makes you happy and appreciating everything in your life and pampering yourself in the best way you know how.

It is a surrender of being totally you, being present in your own life and taking control of it and not feeling the need to apologize to anyone for your very existence.

Self-love is self-acceptance
it is looking in the mirror and loving everything you see and even wondering what it would be like to have a twin, someone who has all your awesomeness because you are loving what is going on there.
it is accepting your entire physique and all the flaws that come with it, it is trying to change what you are not happy with like the extra fat in all the unnecessary places and accepting the aspects of the body you cannot change like for skin colour, height, how you grin hideously (not your fault, okay, partly) there is plastic surgery for that though but that is a whole different story.
It is accepting your flaws, and all your weird fetishes!! Yes yes those that no one in this world seems to get even your own mother.
It is when you go shopping with your friends and you keep picking all the weird/wrong stuff according to them but since you like them you pick them anyway because c’mon there is just no accounting for taste sometimes.
It is wearing that which makes you feel comfortable and beautiful.

Self-love is self esteem
it is believing in yourself waaay before even your closest buddy does and letting the whole world take their time to catch up; because after all you know you’ve got this and He’s got you.
It is walking into a room full of people, feeling scared and anxious you are almost sure you are high on something but then still mastering every ounce of confidence you have and being able to give that speech or presentation.
It is starting from the bottom and maneuvering your way to the top.
It is taking risks and when they backfire and the joke is clearly on you, you take the joke and make fun of yourself better than anyone else and move on.
It is being special, treating yourself so, because you are bright enough to shine on anyone’s face.

Self-love is self-respect;
It is in knowing your worth and your value as a woman or a man.
It is voicing your opinion regardless of the number of times you have done it already and not letting people undermine you.
It is when you walk away from a bad relationship and never look back.
It is when he breaks your heart one too many times and you move on because there are a million other people in this world.
it is when you have mourned for too long and decide it is time to take care of yourself too, take the scars, as many as they are and turn them into something beautiful like a book or a song and blessing others with it or even changing other people’s lives with it.
Self-love is when you know your self-worth is not equal to or directly proportional to the number of likes, followers or views you have. It is not going to twitter and making/forcing various hash-tags to happen. it is not equal to the number of guys you have dated and the number of people who dumped your sorry ass.
It is not saying yes to anyone who asks because you fear time is running out and you have no one on your side.

Self-love is self-responsibility
Self-responsibility is equal to self-growth.
It is striving to grow as a human being. Always learning something new, feeding your mind with information; reading novels, magazines, books and the bible; especially the bible.
It is not letting your happiness be determined by other people.
it is letting go, forgiving those who wronged you, not necessarily because they deserve it but because you need it, knowing when you need to ask to be forgiven and knowing when you should forgive yourself because it is what it is and nothing can change that.
It is using your talents and not letting any opportunities go, because you know if you never try they will never know.
It is sometimes when you are so angry sitting down and putting everything into perspective before you judge or give up.
It is working hard at whatever you do and being in control of your own life; not sitting around and waiting for your guy/parents to make that happen for you.
It is living everyday as though it is the day you will be remembered with.

***

Self-love is also allowing yourself to be vulnerable, allowing yourself to love, it is loving God and your family above all else.
It is acknowledging that it’s okay sometimes to cry or break down but to still keep going.
Self-love is keeping a diary/ scrap book, taking photos; because you want to remember how awesome you were many years to come.
It is waking up and jogging and then living a healthy life because you love your life too much to let some disease you had the power to avoid cut it short.

Self-love is listening to the same song over and over again, watching your favorite movie as many times as you want because you freaking love it.

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